January 10, 2013

Modesty, and how you’re doing it wrong

I was recently enlightened to the existence of isthismodest.com, a website devoted to telling you whether the way you are presenting yourself reveals your innate shame to the world.

I’ve thought a lot about this, and have put together some helpful tips to assist everyone with staying modest.

  1. Avoid immodest angles. We were created to be viewed face-on, and face-on only. MAKE SURE to NEVER walk below an occupied balcony! People could look down at you at an extremely immodest angle, and even catch some unintended “gaping issues.” (Why do we even HAVE balconies? They invite some really bad behavior…)
  2. Bags. Our bodies, though the machinations of time, intentionally come to resemble bags. If this is our eventual point, why not look like bags right from the start? What I’m saying is, wear bags. They conceal everything worth concealing! (Which is everything.) Maybe like a sleeping bag. Just wear one of those. DO NOT cut holes for your arms and legs! You can jump around, as intended. (Also – are you SURE you need a hole for your face?) (Also also – sorry for typing “hole” so much. :/ )
  3. Are you sure you need glasses? Most people’s eyes don’t work – they have to have corrective lenses. But this is obviously a prideful mangling of what was intended for our bodies! Our eyes don’t work because we don’t need to see each other’s shame! If you don’t see the shame that’s just floating out there, clinging to our bones, jiggling and whatnot, you thus cannot be drawn into shame yourself! (Personally I am jealous of the blind. They have such dignity.)
  4. You are a fat wad of shame. Don’t ever forget that. Shame was written into you. Shame becomes you. Your whole life was intended for the righteous escape of the shame that you innately are! You are meant to flee yourself, excoriate yourself, bury yourself and hide yourself behind walls, thick fabric, maybe even a piece of cardboard you carry around so no one can see you. Are you enjoying yourself? Is someone seeing you as you are? Then you’ve probably made some immodest decisions, my friend. :/